If anyone had asked me one year ago if I could see myself where I am today, I would’ve said there is no shot in hell. Stuck in a three year relationship, I felt as if I had I had no identity, but couldn’t remember the last time I did if I was being honest with myself. I was miserable day in & day out because I knew whoever it was I was being, wasn’t me; like my body was a shell and the person inside of it didn’t belong there. There is nothing more unsettling than living the life of a stranger everyday and I knew that my life was meant to be more than this revolving 24 hour cycle of mediocrity.
So I set out to find the person I had lost, or needed to find again. I set out on an impromptu trip to Mexico with my sister, in which my only requirements for myself were to relax, have a few daquiris and maybe live on the edge a little aka not wear sunscreen. For some reason I always think I’m invincible against the sun’s rays and then end up with third degree burns and unrecognizable in my passport photo, because it’s not crucial to my identity or anything.
But this was something I had never done before…booked a last minute trip to anywhere, and I hadn’t been on a vacation in years. Although it is nothing earth shattering, it was out of the ordinary for me. This set the tone for the rest of my year, and my new outlook on life. I realized I didn’t want to be ordinary anymore, I didn’t want to get stuck in this routine, I didn’t want what anyone else thinks to dictate what I do or don’t do. I also decided that whatever it is I want to do, I’m going to do it NOW.
So I decided to take on this journey… I found out my favorite band was playing at Red Rocks Ampitheatre in Colorado (seeing this venue had been on my bucket list for a while) so I bought the concert tickets and decided I’d figure out the rest later. The furthest west I had ever been was Minnesota, which fortunately for my skin isn’t that deathly in the sun department. Went to see the concert a few months later and afterwards explored for a few days, and it’s kind of weird to say but at the concert seeing my favorite band in the middle of the mountains, I had this feeling come over me like “this is what it feels like to feel alive”. And whatever that feeling was, I wanted to feel it not only more often, but every day.
A few months later, I had an opportunity to go to Prague & Budapest. I had never been to Europe nor had I had a desire to go to Prague or Budapest, but I was like sure, why not? I quit my full time job and took on this life of rebellion. With this time off, I also wanted to go explore some states to see where I might want to live and to see what else is out there. So I set off on a solo mission to Arizona, San Francisco, Colorado again, and Austin and returned with pictures, stories, and a sense of self and confidence that I can do anything, and on my own.
More than anything throughout this past year though, I have realized how important my music is to me. I had put it on the back-burner for way too long even though it was eating me up inside. If I died tomorrow the only thing I would regret is not putting my whole heart into this, because it is the only thing that makes me feel like myself. I feel like it is my identity.
We all live day to day as if we’re immortal and we have an unlimited amount of time here on earth. We spend all of our time working and saving as if we can take our money to the grave with us. We postpone everything we want to accomplish, see, and experience until later or this fairytale land we call “someday” as if time is this luxury we’re granted that never runs out. We’re not guaranteed tomorrow, or that we will even live to see someday but still, we wait for this day to come.
Looking back, I don’t even recognize the person I was a year ago. I hope a year from now, I don’t recognize the person who I am now. I can’t wait for someday anymore. Can you?
To the year ahead,